How to Look Good Naked

It all seemed so innocent. Gok would take one of us to heart and shower us with attention. He would take us shopping, buy us a haircut, give us great advice, even kiss us on the lips! AAAnd then ... make you take your clothes off and roll about on a stupid rug or peek back over your bum like an idiot. That was bad enough but now that Gok's rolled his fake boyfriend trick into some dodgy competition he really is beginning to look a lot like Dirty Den's gay friend. It's perfectly natural you know. If you trust me you'll do it. I like the bits where he leads the pageantees round corners, like the pied piper in a belted trench.

Are all the jobs going to be given out on reality tv now? Four hundred disadvantaged teenagers whittled down to one lucky winner of a swipecard to open Morrison's delivery door. Old age pensioners fly to Riga and have 48 hours to recruit staff for their carehome.

Minor Surgery

Having paid 70p a finger I wasn't for backing out of my manicure but come on...the cuticle ploughing was a bit extreme. I won't go into the sensations of rough buffing. I should have been more wary of the little roll of steel tools and the fact she was sure the Stone of Destiny was a horror film. I take it all back about Cheryl Cole she is probably just smarting from daily trips to the beauty parlour. They use real chemicals you know.

My fingernails are rock hard though, I'd win any catfight right now. It'd be better if they glowed in the dark or something. If we're going to drag up by rubbing paraffin all over our face and spraying ourselves with formaldehyde why not go all out for the chemicals? What about lipstick with anaesthetic for kissing millionaire pensioners? Or moisturiser that turns you into a battery for your ipod?

Self Esteem

I am vile. The greasy products of my selfindulgent life ooze through widened pores. Well healed people are rightly wary of the ruddy sheen on my skin. My brow has a moutainous wrinkle which, having raised to make so many unladylike remarks will no longer sit down. I scrape the lazy, grasping choices of my life back into an oily ponytail everyday. Fat plumps and pads my cheeks and thighs...

Hang on. That's definitely the last time I read two copies of Vogue in a row.

Michelle, Hilary and Sarah

Princeton, Yale and Miss Congeniality have all surely asked themselves, dare I dare? None have dared not to look like office Barbie's aunty, all button down startched up and beaded. I go for Sarah in a big way, there's nothing about her that isn't funny. Hilary seems to be coming round. Maybe she'll look after Michelle's kids two days a week when they win. Sarah's kids can look after themselves. They're out winning the pan-alaskan moose-catching eyelash-curlin hockey-dog contest most days.

Cheerleaders always make me sad. I would declare no interest in my husband's ability to effect change, manage circumstance or challenge adversity. I would vouch for none of his promises, refuse to describe his best qualities and claim not to know if he was giving a speech today or not.

Can they speak French or not?

Hats off to girls aloud. For the first year running they win dare I dare's award for most consistent group dieting. Its all very well being just Keira Knightley or Kate Moss on your own, but it takes more than a pack of silk cuts and a tens machine to keep five bmi's subpar year after year.

Cheryl's got a lot of balls judging people. Ok so maybe their cover of I can't stand the rain isn't cutting it, but at least they're not out assaulting ladies powder room hosts.

There's a sadness in her eyes though. Maybe marrying to prove you're not a racist isn't the best idea. Maybe she can't get the sound of the underground out her head. Day and night, round and round in her head, no kcals allowed.

Sales and Marketing

Seriously Shiela, is it likely I'm going to buy a house because it has a USB port? And while we're at it, either I'm a giant or all your furniture has been scaled down to make this bedsit look likely. Its not like I've got a supercollider to accommodate just somewhere you can stretch out your arms and legs at the same time.

Next time I'm going to take a set of timapani drums with me, insist they look at home in everyroom. Then I'm going to phone a chinese and see how long it takes to get there. That's how you make decisions.

My IPod

It's amazing. I'd like to take the free apple stickers that came in the box, stick them over my lenses and stumble back to the apple store asking everyone if I was home yet. Or better, get my ZX81, paint it white, stick the stickers on it and try to return it for cash. Or I could put the stickers on my black shirt and be staff, go to the storeroom, say I'm just taking a macbook out to the carpark for a customer, oh and a printer and external hardrive and shuffles for his ten children.

I feel bad. I ate my lunch in the car in front of a homeless man. How does he know I have a home and not just a car? Maybe it was the ipod.

World's Strongest Men

Excellent little shorts this year. The world's most beautiful women get to cover up in billowing gowns with extra sashes and wigs and such. This is just the sort of thing it suits Germain Greer to ignore. Some of those strongmen could have done with their dignity back, one of them could hardly carry his two fridges ten feet without blushing.

I hope JorgenJorgens hasn't put his winnings into one of those banks that are all crunched up. He should go round sliding the banks into fjords and lift the directors car back out whenever he tries to park. You can't spend your massive bonus if you can't get parked.

How do they get the big stones set back up for the next contender?

I'm not even sure this was on. Its a crime to watch strongmen out of season.

That Osborne Woman

Under no circumstances, no matter how many times they stick her tasteless face in front of me. No matter how many glossy pages she stands in, squat thighs pressing together under luxury frocks. No matter how slick they manage to make her hair or how many chi chi bags she sticks her bratty stuff in. Under no circumstances am I or any other woman in the country accepting Kelly Osborne as any kind of stylista.

She's probably a style icon though. I think they gave out iconic as the word of the year at some christmas doo for all the writers last year. My buspass is iconic. Get an iconic two zone weekly ticket for £10.20.